Lucrezia Ciotti From the near-depression following his retirement from football to the fear of not surviving Covid, through the pain of losing his father and the anguish over his son Cristian's health, Francesco Totti opens up openly in his autobiography , Oltre , retracing the most difficult trials he faced on and off the pitch.
"I risked depression": Francesco Totti recounts his darkest moment.
Nearly ten years after retiring from football, Francesco Totti retraces the most difficult moments of his life, including the end of his career, family bereavements, and health problems. He does so in Oltre , the autobiography written with Alessandro Alciato and presented at the Teatro Brancaccio, in which the former Roma captain also recounts the fragilities he experienced away from the field.
His retirement, which took place on May 28, 2017 , was a difficult turning point to deal with. After a life marked by training and matches, Totti suddenly found himself without the reference points that had accompanied him since he was a boy. " Yes, there was a moment when I risked depression. Which is a heavy word, it's scary.
But I couldn't find the meaning of things again ," he told Corriere della Sera . The feeling was that of not knowing how to start over after having dedicated his entire life to football. " I felt alone in the middle of the ocean. I felt like the emptiness was suffocating me. I wasn't ready, suddenly the ground was missing from under my feet ," he explains. The suffering had already emerged on the day of his farewell, when the emotion mixed with the awareness of closing a fundamental chapter. " I was dead inside, because for us footballers, when the playing field ends, everything changes, a cycle of life ends ."
Francesco Totti, the fear of dying from Covid and the anguish for his son Cristian
Making that period even more painful was the death of his father Enzo , who passed away in October 2020 at the age of 76. A few days after his father's death, Totti contracted Covid , developing bilateral pneumonia and severe breathing difficulties. " I was terribly afraid of dying like my dad ," he says, also recalling the moment he contacted his children , worried that he wouldn't be able to overcome the illness: " I don't know if I'll make it, believe me, I don't know how much longer I can resist ."
Another great fear was related to his son Cristian's health . When the boy was playing soccer, some medical tests had identified a small anomaly near his brain . The news took Totti completely by surprise. " My breathing stopped, my heart stopped, I couldn't understand anything anymore ," he says. After numerous visits, the problem was located in the Silvio Aqueduct, a canal through which cerebrospinal fluid passes. The Italian National Olympic Committee (CONI) then revoked the boy's eligibility for sports . The family chose not to proceed with surgery aimed at allowing him to return to play, putting his health first. " It was his brain, not his elbow ," Totti explains.
Despite the difficulties, the happiest memory of his life remains tied to the birth of his son. When asked about the moment that gave him the greatest joy, the former captain cites not his sporting successes, but fatherhood: " When Cristian was born ." He adds: " When I held him in my arms, I understood the meaning of happiness ."
Francesco Totti's future and a possible return to Roma
After retiring from football , Totti received several offers to return to the field, but ultimately chose not to wear another shirt. " My heart and my head were two different things, but I followed my heart. I've only had one shirt my whole life, and it had to stay that way ," he says.
The possibility of returning to the Giallorossi club isn't out of the question, but the former number 10 would like a more hands-on role, with the opportunity to contribute to sporting decisions. Reflecting on his previous managerial experience, he explains that he left because he didn't feel sufficiently involved. " I didn't want to be a pretty little statue ," he says, clarifying that he's not interested in a purely representative role. He remains available, however: " If they need my football knowledge, I'm here ."